Re-evaluating.

I'm going to start by sharing something with you. Something I've learned about myself.

At the time of the Indonesian tsunami last April, I was in Phuket, Thailand with some family members on holiday. Phuket was put on tsunami warning, and we waited it out for three hours on the top of a hill; with a huge crowd of locals, separated from a couple of other family members who were down below (as well as the majority back home in Australia), and trying to stay calm. I was numb during most of those hours, but eventually broke down over something really little. 

After the warning was lifted (obviously no tsunami) and we made our way back to the hotel, plans were already being made for dinner as though nothing happened. The reality of what happened though, prevented me from pretending everything was fine, and I ended up giving the dinner a miss. I was too emotionally drained from the day's events, and I retreated to my hotel room and did basic human things. Showered. Slept. Contacted my family back home to tell them I was alive and kicking. I'd had no way of doing so during the day, and they'd kept a watchful eye on the news of other countries since my departure. I retreated to look after myself. I still wasn't entirely fine the next day, but I was able to be out with people and enjoy myself for the two remaining days in Phuket.

My point today, is that something's happened to me. Something I haven't been able to share with others. For the purpose of now, let's just call it a crisis of faith, the fall that's been foreshadowed by a happiness, etc. It's a fair euphemism. Not life threatening like the Phuket earthquake, but still significant nonetheless.

I was numb. And angry. I retreated, and I'm recovering. Re-evaluating.

I'm finally looking after myself as I deserve.

Some epiphanies:

• I know people mean well when they're affectionate, I do. But I'm constantly, instinctively  referred to as visually appealing by others (e.g.: gorgeous, pretty, cute, beautiful). It's something that I've realised I tolerate, but I hate to think that this is all I am. I'm capable of so much more, but I'm getting more visually-related adjectives with every week and it's becoming a disadvantage.
• The long distance walking may provoke people to think it's for physical benefits. While it's an advantage, it's not the primary reason. Which is that it makes me feel good, emotionally. I've been one to feel my emotions very strongly, and understand others, empathise rather well - too well in some cases. The walking tires me out during the day, and I feel fantastic.
• I'm way too harsh on myself. I do the best I can, and I have so much ahead of me. If my own mother has given my new life the thumbs up, I should as well.

...plus I have so many shifts at work the next couple of weeks, I'm freaking busy.