I'd pay to see you frown...

Happy Pat Day. I'm currently sitting in my dark hole with my sole drink, some water and some skittles. I'm planning to stay up until midnight for Panic!'s Vices and Virtues release tomorrow and to see if my pre-order will download after midnight. Four hours to go.

The Smallville S8 finale... my reaction was something like this.

I didn't realise how attached to Jimmy I'd become. Very very sad face.

So I'm trying to think about an essay and how I'm to plan it out. Feels impossible right now and it also feels like I've got this ticking timebomb in my hands and I have no idea what to do with it. But if I'm stuck holding it for too long, it'll blow up in my face.

I went shopping today and saw some random things.

• One was a lady who couldn't accept her ticket was expired while I was sitting on the tram. The validator made the sound we all associate with an expired ticket and spat her ticket out. She asked out loud what was wrong with it and tried to validate her ticket on a different machine. Same result. She then proceeded to progress through the tram to validate her ticket on all the machines and declare they weren't working.
• I also saw a worker in a supermarket. She was carrying dog food to stack on the shelves and something about her expression stuck with me. If I had one word for it... defeat.
• And in contrast, the greeter I've seen there a few times before seems insanely enthusiastic about her job. I might be like that if I had a few glasses of Coke...every day.

She was so sure about it all...

Peeping Tom = film within a film within a film within a film. Shesus.

So I actually got to film today with the awesome prosumer camera.
...oh my goodness, I love it. We edit next week. I can't wait.

Learned how to play Texas Hold 'em with housemates, and it made for an interesting night. And I'm also going to get to see some friends and stuff this week. And family. Getting in this rhythm has been something special for me.

...I've been having dreamless sleep. I'm finally living my dream in real life that I have nothing left to dream about. 

It's quite something to somebody who used to "fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming" (Blind by Lifehouse).

Meh.

So I'm getting used to university I guess. And doing things for myself. It's almost kind of fun.

Day 21 - a song you listen to when you're happy: Holiday - Vampire Weekend
Day 22 - a song you listen to when you're sad: Sparks - Coldplay
Day 23 - a song you want to play at your wedding: Hallelujah by Paramore - Vitamin String Quartet
Day 24 - a song you want to play at your funeral: Misguided Ghosts - Paramore
Day 25 - a song that makes you laugh: Little Things - Pomplamoose
Day 26 - a song you can play on an instrument: Silent Night
Day 27 - a song that you wish you could play: That's What You Get - Paramore
Day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty: Back To The Start - Lily Allen
Day 29 - a song from your childhood: Kiss From A Rose - Seal
Day 30 - your favourite song at this time last year: Brick By Boring Brick - Paramore

Letting the cables sleep...

So I've noticed that the awful, grumpy, angry side of me, the side I always hated about myself that I always kept at home? The reason why I barely let my home and friends meet? The reason why I was always so reluctant to go home?

...it's fading. I'm cured. I only feel the one personality now.

Now that I've living away from home, I'm the person that I want to be, sans irritation. Huge relief.

I found this after googling "conquering yourself".

On with the song challenge.

Day 11 - a song from your favourite band: All We Know - Paramore
Day 12 - a song from a band you hate: ...please don't make me say it. *cringe*
Day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure: Stevie - Lisa Mitchell
Day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love: I Melt With You - Modern English
Day 15 - a song that describes you: Looking Up - Paramore
Day 16 - a song you used to love but now hate: Everywhere - Michelle Branch
Day 17 - a song you hear often on the radio: S&M - Rhianna
Day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio: Lucille - The Vasco Era
Day 19 - a song from your favourite album: Time To Dance - Panic! At The Disco
Day 20 - a song that you listen to when you're angry: Ignorance - Paramore

So it's not like near death experiences are exciting or anything...

...well, that may be an exaggeration, but here's why.

So my Mum had this dream a couple of nights ago that a great aunty (...who's been dead for three years) was hovering to her right while she was driving, and she said something like "Just keep driving" or something like that. She had no idea what it meant and she told me this while she visited me from Mildura.

So we're driving around Melbourne a little bit lost. We're pulling up to this set of traffic lights and there's this shuttle bus thing changing lanes to go right instead of straight. So there's some empty space in front of us. Mum doesn't pull into that right away.

So the green light goes for the right lane to start turning, and they start turning. No big deal, right?

But then Mum gets a little muddled, as we all do, and drives straight through the red light.

I'm in the passenger seat figuratively soiling myself.
I ask her, "You do realise that was a red light, right?"
She turns to me and goes, "Oh, was it?"
She was fairly calm to begin with. But then she started comprehending what could have happened and she starts figuratively soiling herself as well.

There could have been a turning car from the opposite direction.
Mum could've panicked and stopped.

And bang. Car accident right there in the middle of the intersection.
..."just keep driving", get it?

I'm telling you, it's a mixture of good karma and divine intervention getting me through life. Sometimes there's no such thing as coincidence.

...in other news, I did find the socks I was looking for today. You know, these kind.

Participationage!

30 Day Song Challenge. I might do this in chunks because I don't want to spam up the blog. Which probably defeats the purpose, but oh well.

Day 1 - your favourite song: Run - Vampire Weekend.
Day 2 - your least favourite song: Party In The USA - Miley Cyrus
Day 3 - a song that makes you happy: For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore
Day 4 - a song that makes you sad: How To Save A Life - The Fray

• (I've linked to this amazing NCIS video that I love. You will love it too.)

Day 5 - a song that reminds you of someone: Say When - The Fray
Day 6 - a song that reminds you of somewhere: A Quai - Yann Tierson (Paris. Or what I imagine Paris would be!)
Day 7 - a song that reminds you of a certain event: There Goes The Fear - Doves (moving away from Mildura)
Day 8 - a song that you know all the words to: Camisado - Panic! At The Disco

• (some lyrics can be seen in my blog banner... I think they make an excellent description of my blog.)

Day 9 - a song you can dance to: Hey Baby (Drop It To The Floor) ft. T-Pain - Pitbull
Day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep: Desert Song - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop, till I step down from this for good...

So I've been told more than once in the past couple of weeks that "[I'm] a survivor. [They] can tell. [I'm] tough." and it's got me wondering as I type this in between cleaning my sheets and tidying my hole.

A survivor is defined as "To remain alive or in existence; To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere; To remain functional or usable." When we think of survivors when mentioned on the news, they've usually suffered through a horrible accident or ordeal. And their reward for surviving is dealing with the trauma.

I may not have been through a horrible accident, but I've definitely had trauma issues. I've just never thought of myself being a survivor before.

But what does being labeled a survivor mean?

That somebody's particularly good at surviving? That it's a skill comparable to painting, dancing, singing, worth being displayed in an exhibition? "This particular exhibition shall display some especially challenging survival exercises. Note this survivalist's particular technique with controlling traumatic experiences."

It essentially boils down to luck, a lot of the time. That in saying, I've been extremely lucky, now that I think about it. I could have ended up a drooling hospitalised mess.

Not that I have anything against hospitals or the like.

So are survivalists lucky, or does luck have absolutely no factoring element? Divine intervention? I pose this question to you, who is stalking my blog. I'd like to hear what you think.

I'm also really bothered by somebody right now. I'm the punchline to them. The butt of every joke. I'm never really taken seriously, never really been on equal standing ...I'm just sick of it. I'm about ready to explode. I've exploded once before, and it wasn't pretty at all. Probably the only time I unleashed that part of myself I'm absolutely terrified of.

But this is has just gotten past funny for me and headed straight for humiliated and hurt. I'm not putting up with this any more.

And let the sun rain down on me...

So yesterday was PACKED. The morning invovled a couple of tutes; one involving getting to know the new cameras I'll be working with (ohmygoodnesstechnologydrool), and the other settling into my Film History unit.

The day would have been capped off with a screening of Peeping Tom, one of the most complex and controversial (well, at the time) films I've seen so far. It pretty much destroyed the director's career, and considering the time period, it's not hard to see why.

But Deakin held The Amazing Race. Pretty much like a scavenger hunt except with actions and trivia about Deakin while running all over campus. The majority of my roommates entered as a team, and I managed to join about halfway through (the Peeping Tom viewing kind of cut into it for me, unfortunately). Some activities involved checking out a hilarious book from the library (we ran to the kid's section and found Let's Make Rabbits, enough said really!) to feeding each other fish blindfolded, to packing backpacks and running around with them, to brain puzzles and so much other stuff like that.

Needless to say, we won. I got a free backpack out of it. Awesome.

Some of us got a pizza each and ate half each, we were so hungry from running around! We went to Einstein's bar night afterwards to celebrate.

I'm doing fine.

But I'm on fire for you, clearly... you don't have to be alone. ♥

"A Message" by Coldplay. Wonderfully wonderful ...oh god, I'm hungry.

Original found here

So today was fairly busy. One lecture and two tutorials. Admittedly spread out, but not by enough time to grab lunch. Thank goodness I went shopping last night.

Tomorrow might not be much better, but hey, I chose it this way, I guess. It's almost exciting.

Also bought Smallville S8 (yes, I'm aware that S9 just came out, but hey, tv show sales are awesomely advantageous for this kind of thing if you're patient enough!) just to see if it's worth it.

Also, my roommates want to do this on campus and have a Mexican food night sometime soon. Needless to say, we're gettng along just fine.

Said never pick sides, never choose between two... but I just wanted you, I just wanted you...

Vampire Weekend makes everything better. Even just while hanging your washing.

Had my first lecture today...in the afternoon. No more Monday mornings for me.
So a fairly relaxed day as opposed to the next couple of days.

The importance of Mac computers was highly stressed. Do all editing on campus.
Some students asked about editing off campus or on PC, and the lecturer at this point cried "NO PC. Nooooooo PC. Mac good. We want you to fall in love with these!" and hugged her own Mac laptop.

We'll also be shooting with high def prosumer stuff. Walking that fine line between amateur and professional.

I can go with this. I can go just fine with this.

You got the old kaleidoscopic stare...

Anonymity time.

1. As somebody who wasn't considered attractive enough in high school, well, let me just say... gulp. Speechless. Thank you.
2. Thank god I don't have to see your face any more. You were driving me insane.
3. You're amazing. Love you.
4. Distance is good. Space is healthy. And I'm less anxious now. Be happy for me.
5. I'm not the same kid from your memory, well now I can fend for myself.
6. Sorry I lied.

Let's think intensely for a moment or two.

So let's say you were raised to think that celery is the only good food out there. There's nothing wrong with celery, it's perfectly adequate and it gets you by. But imagine eating only celery for years on end. No question; you get bored of celery. You wonder what else is out there. But you dutifully eat your celery.

So one day you're walking along, and by random chance you end up with a chocolate bar. No big deal, right?

But remember, you've been living off - and been bored with - celery all these years. Celery! Chocolate's new. Chocolate's exciting. Chocolate's amazing. It makes you happy. It confirms all your dreams about something else being out there, as well as exceeding your expectations by being better than you dreamed.

And then all of a sudden, the chocolate's taken away from you and you're forced to go back to celery. And ever since, you can't forget what the chocolate was like and the experience of the experience. And after the experience, you'd rather not go back to the celery. But you have no other choice. 

You have to grudgingly accept your celery, all the while dreaming of chocolate and the next random chance you'll get to experience it again.

...or you could fight to incorporate it into your life. Not let it take over entirely, or you'll get sick of it. The celery will always be there, no matter how much you don't want it to be. It's all a matter of balance so that everybody's happy.

Maybe celery with chocolate sauce?

Michelle gets visitors! Plural!

...but I've only gotten photographic evidence of one (today). But it's one I'm really happy with.

We just spent the day wandering around and food shopping/cooking (for me), but it was an awesome catch up as I hadn't seen Lexie for about two years. Also visited some friends at Monash today, and it's been a pretty relaxed orientation week at Deakin so far.

Lexie took this randomly while I was cooking lunch. Meh. PORK CHOP.

As I statused earlier this week; "Honestly, sometimes I feel the need to pinch myself. Or the need to get a totem so that I can check if I'm dreaming. I'm finally LIVING." I'm somehow managing to balance my dream life with my previous life, and sometimes it's freaking unbelievable.  

Michelle... lies.

Telling a consistent lie is difficult. Especially if you're one to claim that lying is for losers and idiots.

So there we are. I confess. I am a loser and an idiot. I made up a lie about my relationship status to feel better about myself.

But what happens when people believe the lie, since you always tell the truth, and you have to lie consistently further? You don't feel better about yourself, just makes you feel worse.

Sigh. I was not made for this. Forgive me.

Michelle Cleans Up and Michelle Doing The Laundry.

So last night we cleaned out the kitchen and bathroom, discarding forgotten items from previous roommates. This included my discovery of a VERY forgotten bag of potatoes that were rooty, mouldy, foul smelling and mutating to the point where I think it almost grew legs. That smell will haunt me for the rest of my life.

On the plus side, we now have room in the fridge to be able to divvy up shelves, and it was quite a bonding experience to clean together.

Also on today's agenda is shopping for house stuff and DOING LAUNDRY.

Michelle Cooks For Herself.

Minute steaks with a rocket salad. Yum.

Roast chicken drumsticks with steamed veggies.

So I've been job hunting, Chuck S2 and cooking for the past couple of days. So in a sentence, not much, really. I also went on an outing to the CBD (Michelle Reacquaints Herself With Public Transport Day!) and found these at Sugar Station.

I swear, you could get diabetes just by walking into that place. The sugar hits you in a wave when you walk in and it was a little sickening. I'd hate to work there. 

Needless to say, I consumed a dangerous amount of sugar that afternoon.

...heyyyyy, Melbourne. How you doin'? ;)

The moral of the story, children? Don't pick on midgets. They tend to have freakishly tall relatives.

So my new hole currently looks like this.

Stay tuned for more crazy catastrophes such as Michelle Cooking For Herself, Michelle Doing The Laundry, Michelle Shops For Food, Michelle Gets Visitors and Michelle Cleans Up.

But right now, Michelle Organises Her New Hole.

Goodbye Mildura...

[Insert backing soundtrack music appropriate for a blog post about moving away...]
(There Goes The Fear by Doves. Wait for it to load, and adjust the volume before you play.)

I can't believe it. The day's finally here.

It's almost hard to believe, mainly because of the anticipation of this day's arrival has built up over such a huge span of time. Mixed feelings. It's a little scary. But exciting at the same time. Like being on a rollercoaster, I guess.

Of course, there's things I'm grateful I was in Mildura for. Those random moments  when I've laughed so hard, I thought my lungs would burst. Those moments when all I felt were unfiltered happiness. The moments that canceled out any overwhelming bitterness I arrived with, and shaped me into a much happier person.

A great many of this would not have occurred if I'd never come here and met so many awesome people. This was the defining moment of my life. I've changed to the point where I can't pretend the Mildura part of my life never happened, and there's a definite number of people from here that will inevitably stay in my life.

But I'm going back to the place I love. Being the best that I can be because I chose it.

Long story short? Thanks, Mildura. See you later.

You.

I can’t believe I’m standing here

With nothing left at all to fear.

Only you could interfere

As my thoughts fail to cohere,

To fade with one remaining clear.

Find you. 

Near you.

Feel you.

With you.

Because hey, life is a carnival.

One thing: awwww.

So I was somewhat bored and decided to make a wallpaper like I used to.
"She Is" by The Fray.

I am in absolute LOVE with the new Panic! At The Disco single/music video. It sounds loads like A Fever You Can't Sweat Out, which I loved to bits. The steampunk suits them. They apparently are releasing a new album, but no word yet Australia-wise. Not even about the single.

And... well yeah. Which I'm not really excited about, to be honest. Maybe I let it all out at the other one? Maybe because I've seen him in person now? Maybe because season six has sucked (up until last episode)? Maybe because Castiel's not the rebellious BAMF any more?

Sigh.

The reason why Valentine's Day is overrated and tacky and unromantic.

So every Valentine's Day, I'm usually sad because I usually have no significant other, despite all the fantasies my reality-repellent imagination would spin. Not this year, somehow. I had one of those amazing epiphanies.

Why pull out all the stops to impress your significant other on the one day, instead of every day? I'm telling you, Valentines Day-related things would be so much more appreciated if they were random things on random days.

Valentine's puts everyone on guard and ruins the element of surprise. They expect something or other to happen and are either less surprised or most disappointed because nothing happened.

And if there's at least one thing I know - from experience, let alone at all in these situations - it's the element of surprise and how it can be used advantageously for both sides.

And Valentine's isn't even restricted to significant others. Friends, family, random strangers, it's about celebrating universal love. Most people just take Valentine's to mean romantic love. Hence making it somewhat tacky for romantic love.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I haven't met Mr. Trench Coat yet and skipped off into the sunset, but this is how I feel about the day presently; not expecting anything, while celebrating untackily with the people I do have and not with fantasies of those I wish I had.

It's almost a little premise.

There was a man.

A man who was so arrogant about himself and his point of view.

Who was convinced that he knew everything he needed to know.

Who was so preoccupied with worshipping himself that he was oblivious to other things in his life.

Like a girl.

A girl who worshipped him. 

So yes, I'm thinking about writing again! I just think I need to expand my options. 

Like script writing. I might have a shot.

You let the river pull you down...

Photoshop exploring.

I'll put this with the original so that you can see the difference. Click to enlarge.

I love it, it looks so psychedelic and awesome.
...and the music you're listening to probably just enhances the mood. (Doves b-side tracks, fyi)
And this effect doesn't work on faces too well, so I'll reserve it for the still lifes and/or other things.

Like my original fire photos.

Hmmmm, too much? I have no idea. 

And you can't really improve these photos because they're already awesome.

Meh.

Oh, and Supernatural 6x12? It just came along and changed everything. It feels a little bit normal again.

Lovers in Japan.

Original here. How amazing?!

They are turning my head out

To see what I'm all about

Keeping my head down

To see what it feels like now

But I have no doubt

One day, the sun will come out

This particular verse was almost a little mantra of mine over the last couple of years. To stay faithful and happy, even on my darkest days when it felt like things were so awful I just wanted it to end.

I've served my time. And I got through it. The sun's come out.

And though I haven't believed in much - how could I when so much has let me down? - I look at this verse and think about faith.

Though there are many that think non-religiously, people still have faith. 

In themselves, in each other, in their hopes and dreams, in their future.

This verse reminded me that my faith is like believing in a deity. You can't see it right in front of you, but it motivates you to be the best person you can be and struggle through the pain of it all. The pain seems to be at the forefront of it all, but you still believe. And when it's your time, you'll finally receive everything you believed in -- in spades.

The majority of the verse seems to be about pain, but there is a hopeful undertone that rings out in the last two lines. I guess it all depends on which you concentrate on; the pain or the hope.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

So in between the moving craziness/insanity, dwelling on wonderful (but long since gone) moments and doing nothing, I've been looking through my music and going through my more retro stuff. Echo & the Bunnymen's album 'Ocean Rain' (a combination of Donnie Darko and this amazing promo was enough to convince me to originally listen to them), Modern English's 'I Melt With You', a couple of songs from Jefferson Airplane's 'Surrealistic Pillows', Led Zepplin's 'Stairway to Heaven'...

...ahy. It's fantastic. I want more.

Artist found over here on deviantart.com

Same with this one.

So I'm looking for some more similar sounding music. Any recommendations?