Thinking about the year.

So. This was 2012.
...this kind of post is about a month premature, I know. But closure!

This year for me... I just can't explain it. There's been so many ups and downs. I've been lied to - and I've done some lying myself. I switched my job location, and been much happier for it. I failed a class.  I did well in so many others. I've made more friends; I've also lost a couple. I met Julie Benz, Sean Maher and Fran Kranz all in the one day. I shared wedges with university friends on campus every Tuesday for a whole trimester. I saw Ed Sheeran and Coldplay within three months of each other. I rode a tram with a friend with absolutely no idea where we were going (something on my bucket list). Some guy tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I said no; the self-respect for myself has expanded beyond my knowledge. 

I've loved. I've lost. I've laughed. I've cried.
I've been jealous. I've been happy. I've been used.
And I've been living.

The events of this year led me to be accepted for overseas study exchange for a trimester next year. I'm absolutely terrified, and absolutely excited.

I have so much to be thankful for.

I wanted to leave, but the world wouldn't let me go. There's just too much out there for me to experience - why back out now?

I want to thank people who have not only stayed; they've stayed faithful to me.

And I want to thank you for reading this; regardless of you following my blog for three years, or if you're a recent addition to the fold. Thank you.

Catch me in your sleep...

...I'll be leaving the heartbreak hotel.

Absolutely stunning.

Even the unlikeliest of people band together in times of great distress.

...no, seriously. I could be understood as being dramatic, but we're all feeling much better about a mutual event. As a collective. Sometimes the collective can recover together by remembering common interests.

So I've been listening to The Temper Trap recently (as well as a few miscellaneously recommended tracks from friends), and I've found these guys to perfectly slot into this part of my life. Especially the I'm Gonna Wait/Leaving Heartbreak Hotel pairing at the end of the self-titled album. The songs are feel original and fresh (even though they're probably not, for all I know).

 

So what else is new? More Swedish organising. I've talked to my bank and the main paperwork is organised. Now it's more about making things comfortable, safe and healthy for me; doctor's appointments, vaccinations, loans, copying such important paperwork, clothing, research, the list goes on. 

The power of... chatting.

Credits: Conny Fridh/imagebank.sweden.se

It feels like some people are only out there to share in happiness; only to skitter away when things go bad. I feel that the true test in someone's strength is to see how they react and change with these bad circumstances.

And I'm not just saying that because of my Raging Ape high voltage victory.

Although that could be included.

But I digress.

There are a few people out there, I have to say, who genuinely care and that I can talk to. Sometimes our burdens are all relative, and even just discussing them without judgment of the speaker can speed recovery of the mind. Sharing the burden instead of keeping the cards to your chest.

I've forgotten the (small, but pretty darn effective) power a decent conversation, with somebody else, and both of us on the same footing, can have.

Thank you.

I wanna touch the sky, I wanna fly so high.

When I think about leaving this job to go to Sweden, I feel like this. My heart just sinks. I've loved working for this place and with these people. At the same time, I'm so excited to go overseas. At least I know I'll have my job when I return.

I'm carving a little life for myself. I've been long distance walking by day, and working by night. I'm eating right... and I'm spoiling myself a little as well. I'm thinking of new music to listen to and new activities to be occupied with. I'm teaching myself to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. As one best friend put it, turning it from loneliness to aloneness. I can get so clingy when it comes to other people and depending on them to make me happy - which isn't healthy for me. Sometimes I just need to take a step back. Re-evaluate, rebuild, reform, rethink.

I'm coming to terms with terrible things that have happened - that are not my fault, I've realised - and accepted that I'm just not the person I was. I deserve so much better and I'm not settling for less just because I'm craving company. I just can't do that to myself without crumpling into a ball and feeling totally useless. And obviously feeling that way is not ideal. Not when I have such a social job and so much ahead of me. I deserve the right to look out for myself - and hey, I've been doing it for so long anyway. What's different?

Hope you are well. Christmas is nearly upon us...

Long overdue Coldplay update.

So I realise this is something like, four days late. Whoops.

Okay. So Etihad itself were good sports about the event. We got the glowing wristbands after entering the venue and I had fangirled and bought this t-shirt at a merch branch. And we cloaked.

We were about this much away from the stage.

The Pierces started the opening sets. I knew these ladies and it was their first time in Australia. Everyone sung along to 'Secret'. The Temper Trap started their set with 'it's good to be home', before launching into their incredible set. I think I'll be buying their albums quite soon.

We were then left to wait for how long, maybe 45 minutes, until it had gotten completely dark. 

Coldplay launched straight into it with their Back to the Future theme (I am such a fangirl) before Mylo Xyloto and Hurts Like Heaven. Complete with pyrotechnics, lasers, fireworks. In My Place followed next, with confetti cannons going off all around and everyone Area Standing had their hands to the sky as it twirled with confetti.

Some bouncy balls came next with Lovers In Japan. 

And the light show was amazing to be amongst. 

...my wristband didn't work during the show, which was quite disappointing. But I didn't let that stop me appreciating that I was THERE.

My companion Kat was a great choice; she was an experienced mosher and she'd maneuvered us through the crowd to almost be at the front of Area Standing B. She was such a pleasure. Thank you.

They snuck up the back and did a B stage, with Speed of Sound. Then came back up to finish with three more songs, concluding with more fireworks with Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall.

I saw Chris Martin a couple of times in person, but it was mostly via screen. I'm too short for mosh.

Clips: 

• Pre-show vlog.
• In My Place (confetti and balls, not my clip)
• Paradise Xylobands from Area Standing B
• Don't Let It Break Your Heart
• Coldplay fireworks finale

Poetry. Waitress.

Red wine smeared across my hand,

Polite beckoning as I stand.

Gentle murmur of diners

And shouts of cheerful minors.

Cutlery and clink

A smile and a wink

A pad scrawled with pen

Inked with orders

From who knows when.

Coffee grinds

A meeting of minds

Running the pass

Wine poured into a glass

Crema and froth

Table wiping cloth

Scent of napoli

Smiling happily

Extra socks

Pizza box

Latte glass

Serving class

Menus and trays

With chips made of maize

...and potato as well.

Dessert menu

For the ideal venue

Up and sell

If my name isn't...

Your true emancipation is a fantasy.

Credit: Ola Ericson/imagebank.sweden.se

So things are truly happening that are all things Swedish. Plane tickets were bought Monday, and my residency permit decision was communicated to me Wednesday (a resounding yes, as you can surmise). My grades from last trimester, released yesterday, also more than satisfied the academic average I needed to participate in the exchange program. All that needs to happen now is to organise some slightly minor paperwork and to establish a basic Swedish language use.

The Lush Christmas catalogue arrived in my mailbox yesterday, and I've had a fabulous time looking at the Christmas-y products and gift boxes they have available this year. Right now the Snow Fairy gift box looks quite enchanting and the Festive Fiesta shower tin sounds quite exciting. Of course, this is mere window shopping.

I think back to who I was before I started waitressing, and I marvel. I was a socially anxious, little mouse who had things happening and had no idea how to use that to her advantage. Waitressing has given me more confidence in talking to strangers, and confidence in myself. I'm also much more open to try new things, and I've developed an inner strength that is beginning to shine.

Appreciating the beauty of life has not of yet escaped me, considering all this change that's happened to me. Sometimes it takes a person of mouse-like personality to truly observe and understand the world - before diving in head first and trusting everything will be fine.

 

I hope you're doing well.

COLDPLAY is also happening on Tuesday. You have no idea how excited I am.

Happy Halloween...

Credit: Miriam Preis/imagebanksweden.se

So I'm on the road to recovery.

This road also happened to include Halloween just past. I dressed up for Halloween for the first time in my twenty year life span. Making the costume itself turned out to be loads of fun as well; making FAKE BLOOD and throwing it on some old clothes proved a healthy expression of my insanity. I should really throw paint at a canvas sometime soon.

Blood covered at Flinders Street Station? Check.

I was very pleased with my judgment of colour
and hitting the precise shade I wanted.

My friend Sam and I went to Cinema Nova's MonsterFest Opening Night. The ABCs of Death was shown: 26 directors, all given a letter of the alphabet with a way to die in mind, and otherwise complete creative control. 26 shorts, each lasting a few minutes, all combined into one film, almost like a little film festival of horror.

Melbourne love.

There were people in costume and mine was one of five finalists (the winner was somewhat well deserved, in my opinion). There was also representatives from ZombieHire.com, and the zombie they had brought along was gaping at my costume. I was terrified he was thinking of me being wife material. One fellow film enthusiast asked if I was Carrie (Stephen King obviously), and I guess I had been subconsciously channelling her, now that I think about it properly. A more restrained version, perhaps.

...now with less telepathy!

...there are less than TWO weeks until Coldplay.