Saturday, November 17, 2012

I wanna touch the sky, I wanna fly so high.

When I think about leaving this job to go to Sweden, I feel like this. My heart just sinks. I've loved working for this place and with these people. At the same time, I'm so excited to go overseas. At least I know I'll have my job when I return.

I'm carving a little life for myself. I've been long distance walking by day, and working by night. I'm eating right... and I'm spoiling myself a little as well. I'm thinking of new music to listen to and new activities to be occupied with. I'm teaching myself to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. As one best friend put it, turning it from loneliness to aloneness. I can get so clingy when it comes to other people and depending on them to make me happy - which isn't healthy for me. Sometimes I just need to take a step back. Re-evaluate, rebuild, reform, rethink.

I'm coming to terms with terrible things that have happened - that are not my fault, I've realised - and accepted that I'm just not the person I was. I deserve so much better and I'm not settling for less just because I'm craving company. I just can't do that to myself without crumpling into a ball and feeling totally useless. And obviously feeling that way is not ideal. Not when I have such a social job and so much ahead of me. I deserve the right to look out for myself - and hey, I've been doing it for so long anyway. What's different?

Hope you are well. Christmas is nearly upon us...

No comments:

Post a Comment