Catch me in your sleep...

...I'll be leaving the heartbreak hotel.

Absolutely stunning.

Even the unlikeliest of people band together in times of great distress.

...no, seriously. I could be understood as being dramatic, but we're all feeling much better about a mutual event. As a collective. Sometimes the collective can recover together by remembering common interests.

So I've been listening to The Temper Trap recently (as well as a few miscellaneously recommended tracks from friends), and I've found these guys to perfectly slot into this part of my life. Especially the I'm Gonna Wait/Leaving Heartbreak Hotel pairing at the end of the self-titled album. The songs are feel original and fresh (even though they're probably not, for all I know).

 

So what else is new? More Swedish organising. I've talked to my bank and the main paperwork is organised. Now it's more about making things comfortable, safe and healthy for me; doctor's appointments, vaccinations, loans, copying such important paperwork, clothing, research, the list goes on. 

The power of... chatting.

Credits: Conny Fridh/imagebank.sweden.se

It feels like some people are only out there to share in happiness; only to skitter away when things go bad. I feel that the true test in someone's strength is to see how they react and change with these bad circumstances.

And I'm not just saying that because of my Raging Ape high voltage victory.

Although that could be included.

But I digress.

There are a few people out there, I have to say, who genuinely care and that I can talk to. Sometimes our burdens are all relative, and even just discussing them without judgment of the speaker can speed recovery of the mind. Sharing the burden instead of keeping the cards to your chest.

I've forgotten the (small, but pretty darn effective) power a decent conversation, with somebody else, and both of us on the same footing, can have.

Thank you.

I wanna touch the sky, I wanna fly so high.

When I think about leaving this job to go to Sweden, I feel like this. My heart just sinks. I've loved working for this place and with these people. At the same time, I'm so excited to go overseas. At least I know I'll have my job when I return.

I'm carving a little life for myself. I've been long distance walking by day, and working by night. I'm eating right... and I'm spoiling myself a little as well. I'm thinking of new music to listen to and new activities to be occupied with. I'm teaching myself to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. As one best friend put it, turning it from loneliness to aloneness. I can get so clingy when it comes to other people and depending on them to make me happy - which isn't healthy for me. Sometimes I just need to take a step back. Re-evaluate, rebuild, reform, rethink.

I'm coming to terms with terrible things that have happened - that are not my fault, I've realised - and accepted that I'm just not the person I was. I deserve so much better and I'm not settling for less just because I'm craving company. I just can't do that to myself without crumpling into a ball and feeling totally useless. And obviously feeling that way is not ideal. Not when I have such a social job and so much ahead of me. I deserve the right to look out for myself - and hey, I've been doing it for so long anyway. What's different?

Hope you are well. Christmas is nearly upon us...

Long overdue Coldplay update.

So I realise this is something like, four days late. Whoops.

Okay. So Etihad itself were good sports about the event. We got the glowing wristbands after entering the venue and I had fangirled and bought this t-shirt at a merch branch. And we cloaked.

We were about this much away from the stage.

The Pierces started the opening sets. I knew these ladies and it was their first time in Australia. Everyone sung along to 'Secret'. The Temper Trap started their set with 'it's good to be home', before launching into their incredible set. I think I'll be buying their albums quite soon.

We were then left to wait for how long, maybe 45 minutes, until it had gotten completely dark. 

Coldplay launched straight into it with their Back to the Future theme (I am such a fangirl) before Mylo Xyloto and Hurts Like Heaven. Complete with pyrotechnics, lasers, fireworks. In My Place followed next, with confetti cannons going off all around and everyone Area Standing had their hands to the sky as it twirled with confetti.

Some bouncy balls came next with Lovers In Japan. 

And the light show was amazing to be amongst. 

...my wristband didn't work during the show, which was quite disappointing. But I didn't let that stop me appreciating that I was THERE.

My companion Kat was a great choice; she was an experienced mosher and she'd maneuvered us through the crowd to almost be at the front of Area Standing B. She was such a pleasure. Thank you.

They snuck up the back and did a B stage, with Speed of Sound. Then came back up to finish with three more songs, concluding with more fireworks with Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall.

I saw Chris Martin a couple of times in person, but it was mostly via screen. I'm too short for mosh.

Clips: 

• Pre-show vlog.
• In My Place (confetti and balls, not my clip)
• Paradise Xylobands from Area Standing B
• Don't Let It Break Your Heart
• Coldplay fireworks finale

Poetry. Waitress.

Red wine smeared across my hand,

Polite beckoning as I stand.

Gentle murmur of diners

And shouts of cheerful minors.

Cutlery and clink

A smile and a wink

A pad scrawled with pen

Inked with orders

From who knows when.

Coffee grinds

A meeting of minds

Running the pass

Wine poured into a glass

Crema and froth

Table wiping cloth

Scent of napoli

Smiling happily

Extra socks

Pizza box

Latte glass

Serving class

Menus and trays

With chips made of maize

...and potato as well.

Dessert menu

For the ideal venue

Up and sell

If my name isn't...

Your true emancipation is a fantasy.

Credit: Ola Ericson/imagebank.sweden.se

So things are truly happening that are all things Swedish. Plane tickets were bought Monday, and my residency permit decision was communicated to me Wednesday (a resounding yes, as you can surmise). My grades from last trimester, released yesterday, also more than satisfied the academic average I needed to participate in the exchange program. All that needs to happen now is to organise some slightly minor paperwork and to establish a basic Swedish language use.

The Lush Christmas catalogue arrived in my mailbox yesterday, and I've had a fabulous time looking at the Christmas-y products and gift boxes they have available this year. Right now the Snow Fairy gift box looks quite enchanting and the Festive Fiesta shower tin sounds quite exciting. Of course, this is mere window shopping.

I think back to who I was before I started waitressing, and I marvel. I was a socially anxious, little mouse who had things happening and had no idea how to use that to her advantage. Waitressing has given me more confidence in talking to strangers, and confidence in myself. I'm also much more open to try new things, and I've developed an inner strength that is beginning to shine.

Appreciating the beauty of life has not of yet escaped me, considering all this change that's happened to me. Sometimes it takes a person of mouse-like personality to truly observe and understand the world - before diving in head first and trusting everything will be fine.

 

I hope you're doing well.

COLDPLAY is also happening on Tuesday. You have no idea how excited I am.

Happy Halloween...

Credit: Miriam Preis/imagebanksweden.se

So I'm on the road to recovery.

This road also happened to include Halloween just past. I dressed up for Halloween for the first time in my twenty year life span. Making the costume itself turned out to be loads of fun as well; making FAKE BLOOD and throwing it on some old clothes proved a healthy expression of my insanity. I should really throw paint at a canvas sometime soon.

Blood covered at Flinders Street Station? Check.

I was very pleased with my judgment of colour
and hitting the precise shade I wanted.

My friend Sam and I went to Cinema Nova's MonsterFest Opening Night. The ABCs of Death was shown: 26 directors, all given a letter of the alphabet with a way to die in mind, and otherwise complete creative control. 26 shorts, each lasting a few minutes, all combined into one film, almost like a little film festival of horror.

Melbourne love.

There were people in costume and mine was one of five finalists (the winner was somewhat well deserved, in my opinion). There was also representatives from ZombieHire.com, and the zombie they had brought along was gaping at my costume. I was terrified he was thinking of me being wife material. One fellow film enthusiast asked if I was Carrie (Stephen King obviously), and I guess I had been subconsciously channelling her, now that I think about it properly. A more restrained version, perhaps.

...now with less telepathy!

...there are less than TWO weeks until Coldplay.

Re-evaluating.

I'm going to start by sharing something with you. Something I've learned about myself.

At the time of the Indonesian tsunami last April, I was in Phuket, Thailand with some family members on holiday. Phuket was put on tsunami warning, and we waited it out for three hours on the top of a hill; with a huge crowd of locals, separated from a couple of other family members who were down below (as well as the majority back home in Australia), and trying to stay calm. I was numb during most of those hours, but eventually broke down over something really little. 

After the warning was lifted (obviously no tsunami) and we made our way back to the hotel, plans were already being made for dinner as though nothing happened. The reality of what happened though, prevented me from pretending everything was fine, and I ended up giving the dinner a miss. I was too emotionally drained from the day's events, and I retreated to my hotel room and did basic human things. Showered. Slept. Contacted my family back home to tell them I was alive and kicking. I'd had no way of doing so during the day, and they'd kept a watchful eye on the news of other countries since my departure. I retreated to look after myself. I still wasn't entirely fine the next day, but I was able to be out with people and enjoy myself for the two remaining days in Phuket.

My point today, is that something's happened to me. Something I haven't been able to share with others. For the purpose of now, let's just call it a crisis of faith, the fall that's been foreshadowed by a happiness, etc. It's a fair euphemism. Not life threatening like the Phuket earthquake, but still significant nonetheless.

I was numb. And angry. I retreated, and I'm recovering. Re-evaluating.

I'm finally looking after myself as I deserve.

Some epiphanies:

• I know people mean well when they're affectionate, I do. But I'm constantly, instinctively  referred to as visually appealing by others (e.g.: gorgeous, pretty, cute, beautiful). It's something that I've realised I tolerate, but I hate to think that this is all I am. I'm capable of so much more, but I'm getting more visually-related adjectives with every week and it's becoming a disadvantage.
• The long distance walking may provoke people to think it's for physical benefits. While it's an advantage, it's not the primary reason. Which is that it makes me feel good, emotionally. I've been one to feel my emotions very strongly, and understand others, empathise rather well - too well in some cases. The walking tires me out during the day, and I feel fantastic.
• I'm way too harsh on myself. I do the best I can, and I have so much ahead of me. If my own mother has given my new life the thumbs up, I should as well.

...plus I have so many shifts at work the next couple of weeks, I'm freaking busy.

I'm from the future, go to China.

I was officially accepted today. This, of course, sets a bunch of things in motion; flight bookings, residency permit applications, new passport photos etc. Thank goodness I already have a passport or I would have just given up.

I'm still reeling from the course of events that motivated me to apply to go in the first place. And I did so under the impression that being accepted was unlikely. But here we are. Somebody over there thinks I'm brilliant and want me over there.

My long distance walking is going well. A highlight was stopping at McDonald's for a bite during my walk (in my exercise clothes, I might add), acknowledging to the girl serving me that "[it] is just funny" and prompting a giggle out of her.

I saw Looper with a friend and thoroughly enjoyed it. You know a film is good if you personally enjoyed it - and the critics agree. It played fantastically with the rules of time travel, and let's just say Joseph Gordon-Levitt got me excited to see it beforehand.

 

A girl like you's just irresistible.

Work's going quite well. Being experienced in the field isn't a a bad thing, in my case. I understand now why every employer prefers experience over enthusiasm. Not that enthusiasm hinders; it's a rarity that's stayed with me, even though I've switched restaurants. New system, new people (both staff and customers), new dynamics, new dishes.

I remembered this cover.
 I haven't read this in a while.
 I probably should.

I've also started long distance walking. Nothing athletic or ambitious; but I love the chemical rush. Work out clothes would be handy. I've never thought about the gym, and the idea of wandering around such equipment makes me feel dizzy. Me and weights? I'm trying not to think about it.

I also achieved an item on my bucket list a few days ago. It's something anyone can do, but we're such control freaks nowadays. We always have to know where we're going and what we're doing. 

 

 

Ride a tram just for fun, not to actually go someplace!

Achieved 17/10/12

A little story behind this picture above. I was having a bad day and my friend Sam suggested we achieve this trip (good thing, if I'd tried it alone I would have ended up planning it). We were at the Galactic thing at Crown and he made me try the Raging Ape game. YouTube if you're unfamiliar with it. I won, high voltage, 3000. I earned 15 tickets and these things were what I ended up with. I keep them in my pocket to randomly remind myself of my inner strength.

You know what? It works.

Sometimes work cushions the living.

So I've got a new job. That's the announcement.

It's still waitressing, but at a place much closer to me. I was incredibly lucky to get this job; no more waiting for trams at night. It is something I'm going to miss; seeing the city by night, but it's just not worth the constant exhaustion and easy-meals that come with it.

I left the old job (a year and four months) fairly amicably. I'm going to miss co-workers and regular customers. But it just felt right. Time to move on. 

I was very disoriented during my first training shift tonight, as is everyone who decides to swap jobs. The old job pretty much equipped me for the new one - though there's always something new to learn. The constant refrain of "I'm new here," is back, and people took it easy. A new menu to learn, a new space to get the feel of, and new people to meet and get to know.

I also have a Seth Green doppelgänger co-worker.

Things are looking up. I'm looking after myself. I'm happy. I've found a renewed zest for everything. Life is far too short to timidly sit on the sidelines and watch everything fly by. That much I've learned in the past year.

And I will love you, until you learn, to love yourself...

Guess what guys? I've finished uni for the year.
So you'll probably hear more from me.

I've also started Bleach (the anime). I'm not usually one for anime, but it's something different. Plus there's only so many television shows I can watch before I start picking at the clichés; seductive teacher, bug person, dead person, witch person, etc etc etc.

Once I got over the whole YES THIS IS AN ANIME vibe it threw in my face, it had that weird charm of being charming. Like Doctor Who did. I'm going to have to keep watching Bleach, aren't I?

I've also watched RENT and I like it a lot! It reminds me of year 12 Lit, especially this number.

I'll definitely be Buffy/Angel this summer as well, I only just today bought the Angel boxed set.

I also have this song in my head. While it has the most appalling ulterior motive ever (girls willing to start ripping off their clothes for him) I'm learning to love myself. (Well I'm not like this: *annoying fangirl teenager* Like OMG that song was, like, soooooooo written for me, like yeah). So I don't really care. It's a feel good. 

 

GIRLLEMMELUVU.

The weather, while being very temperamental lately, is getting a little warmer. I rugged up real good today, and I realised I wouldn't mind doing it on a regular basis.

I might have some news in the next couple of days, I might not. No idea.

To achieve in my lifetime... REBOOT.

Stockholm at night.

Meet the following people:

• A 667er
• Misha Collins
• J.K.Rowling
• Lauren Kate
• Maggie Stiefvater
• Julie Benz
• David Boreanaz
• Amy Acker
• Alyson Hannigan
• Alexis Denisof
• John Barrowman
• David Tennant

Have my own car
Go out on a date!*
Get a horse drawn carriage ride
Have a song dedicated to me
Get my probationary driver's license before I'm twenty-two**
Feel like I belong in my family
Buy a city apartment in Melbourne (and outright!)
Buy my mum a house
Travel overseas at least once
Live in a place other than Australia for a lengthy timeframe

Travel to these places:

EUROPE List

• Paris/Versailles, France
• Cyprus
• Stockholm, Sweden
• Dublin, Ireland
• London, England
• Amsterdam, Netherlands
• Vienna, Austria
• Copenhagen, Denmark

Other places

• Bangkok/Phuket***, Thailand
• California, USA
• NYC, USA

Speaking of which, get a passport!
Not move house for at least two years
Experience snow****
See Coldplay live
See Muse live
See a band or singer other than Coldplay or Muse live
Have a huge bookshelf to fit ALL my books, movies and television shows
Live with awesome roommates 
Ride a tram just for fun, not to actually go someplace! Achieved 17/10/12
My prince charming composing a song with me in mind*****
Pay off my student debt
Get in the film industry somehow******
Love unconditionally...and have it reciprocated
Own a pair of knee high black and white striped socks
Win once at NaNoWriMo
Get at least one book published *******
Hear a piece of music that makes my heart break, and complete it simultaneously. 

*           I mean come on guys. Chivalry gets you laid.
**         Doesn't seem likely with the Swedish possibility
***       Well yes, I've done it before this reboot, but hey, I've done it.
****     Not counting the time when I was two. I want to remember it.
*****   (cheesy, but...I need a Disney moment at some point)
****** (Even if it's just holding a boom mike. I'll be happy)
******* Apparently online counts.